I wasn’t sure how long I lay in bed that night, thinking of possibilities that could never happen. Me at an A show. Me holding up a blue ribbon on Shoelaces. Even me clearing a hedge in a Hunter Derby. But they all had the same variable- they could never happen. I was too strong to allow tears to spring from my eyes. But it didn’t mean I couldn’t feel some sort of emptiness inside of me.
As I woke up, the one thought that did brighten me was the fact I would get to ride Shoelaces today, and even jump him a bit. I wasn’t the greatest when it came to jumping. I learned on Trudy, but she lacked the ability to go high anymore. Shoelaces seemed to have an idea of what he was doing when I would point him at the fences and could take them easily, but not me. My heart was weak. The higher they would go, the more I would tremble. I lacked experience at the higher levels, and while my Mom tried teaching me, I couldn’t shake the thoughts from my mind that something could happen as I go in flight.
I had awakened at five to feed the horses, and right away climbed back into bed. Probably the braiders and grooms were awake by now at the show, and did all their jobs. I had my own set of things to do. Right as I finished with the horses, I climbed back into bed and succeeded in sleeping for another three hours. Eight AM. Seemed like a normal time to ride for me.
Once more, I brought myself out of bed. My legs were a bit wobbly, but my mind was awake. I had woken up once already, so it didn’t take much for me to focus. With a yawn, I slipped on a pair of breeches in my drawer. Sometimes, I would just ride in my pajamas and sneakers if I wasn’t being serious but today I would be. My tired, numb fingers ached in protest as I worked on sliding on a pair of riding boots. All I would need now was my helmet, and I tucked that under my arm and set off to the barn.
The sun had already risen, and based off of the chill I felt even when I had a thin jacket on meant all the heat had packed up and gone. This was a more normal Wisconsin April day. Not too cold, but not hot either. It didn’t matter too much though, since I would be sweating in the saddle.
I walked straight into the barn, and right away was greeted by Shoelaces and Trudy’s outstretched necks. They were especially pleased to get woken up by me this morning, and now I was just another reminder there was more to this day then eating. With a smile, I gave Trudy a pat first since she wasn’t going to get worked today. It was Shoelaces who I would be working and jumping in my own backyard. With another smile, I turned back to him and grabbed his big, blue halter. From the ground, I could already see the muscle and bulk in his warmblood-like neck. Somebody could mistake him for a young show horse if they didn’t see his bony back. Because we rescued him and got him half-starved at an auction, we didn’t know his breed for sure. We suspected warmblood, but what were the chances one of those found their way into a cheap livestock auction? None. So we concluded with him being a crossbreed of some sort.
I opened the latch in his stall and went into it with the halter slung over my shoulder. I didn’t put his blanket on last night because of how warm it was, but he could have used a thin little one for the cooler night that came so unexpected. Right away, I put the halter over his head and clipped it under the chin. Shoelaces had the best ground manners, and would always wait for me to get everything done. Once it was securely fastened, I unclipped his blanket and took it off.
Life could be easier if I had someone to do every individual job for me, but I loved having to do everything. It gave me more time with my horses, and once you get into habit then it wasn’t hard at all. Even so, on days where I might be sick or sore, it would be nice to have someone help me out.
I pulled Shoelaces from his stall, his tired legs dragging shavings behind. Thanks, Shoelaces I thought to myself. Another thing I would have to sweep up. I clipped him into the crossties in the aisle of our small little barn, and grabbed my pile of grooming supplies that I kept in a box in the front of one of the empty stalls. I doubt they would ever become filled. It was a stretch to get Shoelaces, and my Dad and I promised we would get something young to train up and make a profit out of. Of course, we came home with the most beat-up equine there.
I grabbed a curry brush and turned back to Shoelaces. With a deep, throaty nicker he let loose I began to rub the brush into his coat with circular motions. Small, white hairs fell from him and onto the rubber mat I always had set in the aisle. Shoelaces tilted his head, and the horse always loved getting groomed. If I had spare time, I would just brush his coat until it shined because I knew he would enjoy himself. I enjoyed it too, seeing him flick an ear and dark eyes become mystified with the attention I gave him. I didn’t know how I could possibly describe my love for the old fleabitten grey.
When all was well with the curry, I went for a hard brush. Shoelaces wasn’t dirty at all, which came as a bit of a shock because the grays were always the ones that would come out with green stains after a long night. But not Shoelaces. He was such a gentleman, always having the greatest ground manners even when it came to not rolling in his own feces. Trudy always found the best ways to get dirt under her coat, though.
It was about ten minutes of scrubbing with brushes and picking the dirt from his hooves until Shoelaces was finally clean. There still was a small film of dust at the bottoms of his legs, but that didn’t matter too much. I could hose him off tomorrow if the weather allowed, and all of the old clumps of grit could be washed away. He was completely ready to get tacked up now, and with a sigh I reached through my small little tack trunk until I pulled out two black polo’s. Stepping back to Shoelaces, I wrapped each one around a front leg until they were protected and the fabric wrapped in perfect lines. They really stood out, being black against his grey and speckled coat.
I went towards my rack where my saddle and a pad lay. Normally, you would have to worry and make sure you had a girth too because the saddle could fall if you left it unattended. But Shoelaces never moved, and I wouldn’t be able to hold all three things in the first place. I would simply put them on, and then go fetch the girth. I only had two saddle pads, one a white half-pad and the other a sky blue. Today, I had the blue.
I placed that on Shoelaces first, making sure it wasn’t too far back or too far up his wither. It was an intricate process, but after doing it for years I could tack a horse in two minutes. I placed my saddle on next, and unlike a lot of the things at the barn, it was new and fresh. My mother insisted I ride in her old rock, but after saving and begging I managed to get my very own, a soft, squishy CWD. It was a novelty in my eyes, and I would never allow for it to get a scuff. I practically worshipped the thing, wondering how something so marvelous could land in my hands.
I grabbed my girth from my tack trunk next, and placed the two buckles into the strips of leather under the saddle. Just one hole. I went to the other side, putting that side up only one hole as well. When I got on, I would tighten the girth. But not right now, because I didn’t want Shoelaces to become irritated. Trudy would more then him, but on a rare occasion Shoelaces would pin his ears as I tightened the cinch on his well-fed belly. Seeing him angry pained me. My eyes would end up getting watery, and right away I would take off the saddle and enjoy him bareback.
Grabbing my bridle, I took off the horse’s halter and slid the intricate leather headpiece on instead. I had to put my thumb on his gum to get him to accept the bit, but within seconds all was well and I only had to tighten the cinches. I had set my helmet down, an dusty thing, and slipped it over my head and clipped it under my chin. Shoelaces wasn’t hard to get going, so I never needed spurs or a crop. I doubt I would even have the gut to smack him behind my leg, anyway.
I led Shoelaces out of the barn, and the light right away fell on us. It wasn’t hot, but at least the sky wasn’t a musty grey. Our mounting block was just a few paces out of the barn, so I tightened my girth and hopped on.
I began to walk Shoelaces down the property until we would reach the backyard. I did a good job with my father of keeping it well kempt, even if it meant working extra hours. I had to make sure there were no holes and the grass was never too tall. The backyard was quite large, so I always did my riding back there and I even had a few jumps set. We had old wooden standards, but only two sets so if I needed to I would resulted to pulling out the lawn furniture. I bet the A circuit people would laugh at me and my makeshift jumps, but what choice did I have? How else would I make courses? I sighed, giving Shoelaces a pat as we walked past the pasture. Even though it was colder, the birds continued to tweet and chatter in all of their different styles. I remember growing up to the whistles of the birds, memorizing each and every pattern but never being able to put a face to the sound. Even the woodpeckers fascinated me with their thrumming beaks. My parents could get annoyed, but I always loved their melodies. Back and forth they would sing, and when no one was watching I would sing back as if we had our own sort of language. I smiled, remembering the old days as I brought Shoelaces to a halt. Of when I was young and foolish. I was older now, but still just as foolish. I laughed softly, tracing a finger on Shoelace’s fleabitten grey flank. I ran my hand around and around, tracing the shapes of hearts on him. I breathed softly, my voice blending in with the birds.
“My grey horse is like an old picture, cut and pasted into reality.” I whisper into his ear, just loud enough for him to hear.
With that, I pressed Shoelaces with my leg and he walked on. I could see a jump peaking out now, but I wouldn’t get to those quite yet. I always enjoyed having nice, long warm-ups working on the flat because that was something I was good at. When I did serpentines and bends, there was no distance riding to screw myself up. Just the ground, the horse, and me. Shoelaces seemed half asleep, but once I got to work I knew he would perk up as he always did.
I finally made it to the ring and right away tightened my reins. Shoelaces chomped on the bit, more than ready to get started once he knew I was being serious. The backyard was big and spacey, and I could canter around it all day long if I wanted to. I made around one full lap, getting Shoelaces to respond off the bit before I picked up a trot. He had a giant trot, and I felt as though I was floating across the ground. Trudy was famous for her sweeping trot, but Shoelaces’ felt even bigger. Being small, I even had issues going with his giant stride whether it be trot or canter. I never had videotaped me on him just so I could see just how huge his stride was. I figured I would get around to it eventually, but for now I was only enjoying myself. The only curious thing about Shoelaces was when we got him and put him into work, despite being half-starved he seemed to have already had training to the point where he could easily jump. He must have been someone’s horse before his life turned around.
I circled Shoelaces, hearing his hooves swipe the grass as he went along. He could easily bend when I asked, and automatically collected when I would work a sitting trot. I didn’t do intricate exercises often, though. I preferred enjoying myself on a nice, easy ride. But today I wanted to really work. Shoelaces seemed to want to as well. He was fresh today, and couldn’t resist chomping on the bit and extending even more. I had to sit deeper and work smaller circles to get the horse to calm down.
I went the other way, bringing Shoelaces across the diagonal. I weaved him around a makeshift cross rail used with two lawn chairs and poles, which I would probably warm up with. It was no Hunter Derby hedge, but it was enough for me. Once more, especially because he had a stretch, Shoelaces put in all his effort. His trot got especially big and bouncy, so right away I sat the trot and circled him in the corner. This calmed him down moderately enough, but I circled him a few more times for good measure. I would make sure he gets lots of turn out today, judging by how fresh he was being. For about fifteen minutes I continued working Shoelaces at the trot, sighing when he decided to take the bit. But finally, by the time I was finished working at the trot, Shoelaces calmed down considerably.
Picking up a canter, I allowed Shoelaces to stretch as I let him go all the way around. His canter was comfier then his trot, but it was huge. I had to entangle small pieces of his mane around my hands in order to go with as he bounded along. Finally, I steered him through a few circles. He was being adjustable.
I took him across the diagonal, stepping out and getting a lead change. That was another thing Shoelaces already knew. He was fairly automatic, except for distances over fences. He could get you out of a sticky situation, but relied on me to find the distances for him. Except, that is not my forte. I shook my head, getting the swimming thoughts out of my mind as I casually did a few circles and let Shoelaces go until his coat got warm. When all was well, I slowed him to a walk so we could catch our breath.
I had only gotten a few steps on a looser rein when I heard the slam of the door to our porch. Shoelaces pinned his ears and looked in that direction, but wasn’t too fazed. Me being the spooky one jumped and whirled around since nobody ever bothered me when I was riding. Except for when my mom used to teach me on Trudy, nobody ever watched me ride. She had never even see Shoelaces go once. I didn’t blame her though. She did love horses, but being with them hurt a little. Since after all, her show career was ended after a riding accident that left her with a terrible back. I guess her not wanting me to show had a little something to do with myself. I shook the thoughts from my mind, but the person in the door surprised me.
My mom was staring out over the porch. Our eyes locked for a second, and I halted. She had a hand on her hip, and didn’t seem to be going anymore judging from her comfort clothing. I raised a brow, waiting to see what she would say.
“Oh. That’s where you are.” My mom says in a neutral, faintly snappy tone. “I was wondering.”
“I’m in the same place every morning.” I say, blinking. I didn’t see why my mother looked so surprised.
She shrugged, turning around to go back through the door. She yawned, and I could right away tell she didn’t have anything serious to do. I narrowed my eyes, thinking for a second. What if I could supply her with something to do?
“Hey, mom?” I say. She turns around. “Do you want to watch Shoelaces?”
Her lip quivered, and I could tell I was testing her a bit. She was the A circuit expert after all, so why shouldn’t she see just how Shoelaces was? Not to mention, her expertise when I jumped could be a big help. She sighed, and then shrugged.
“Sure, trot a lap first.”
I not, right away giving Shoelaces a squeeze. Right away he stepped into his big, flowing trot and I let him go at it. He tried quickening and getting choppy, but I held him back. I circled once, and passed my mother again.
“Have you cantered?” She asks me. I nod. “Ok, well then start jumping.”
I circle one more time, and right away point Shoelaces at the crossrail set up across the diagonal. It was the perfect height for warming up, and I usually kept it at the same height throughout all my rides. Shoelaces wanted to quicken to it, but I held him back. I got a little tipping with my shoulder, but it didn’t matter. Shoelaces took it in stride, landing on the correct lead. While I wasn’t great at getting him to the jumps, I always had the proper position and release over the top. Shoelaces came up to my hand in a perfect fashion, and I landed cantering as I took him across the diagonal and got a lead change.
Normally I would trot it a few more times, but I didn’t want to take up a crazy amount of my mother’s time. I continued cantering to it again, Shoelaces dragging me there. I tried sitting tall. But to no avail. We got there a little deeper then I would have liked, and landed incorrect. It was no problem getting a lead change, but the entire approach was sloppy.
Gritting my teeth, I took him across the diagonal again. Now was not the time to mess up! I was a bit of a hopeless case, but this time I let Shoelaces go to the fence. He quickened a tad, but was much happier going to the fence. We got slightly long, and I knew that was a much better distance then the chip we got before. I let Shoelaces walk, and I gave him a pat.
“Do some more, like those verticals.” My mom motioned towards the verticals I had set on the outside rails using the old wooden standards. They weren’t too high, one being two foot and the other two six. I never went higher, anyway.
I got a canter again with Shoelaces, circling him in the other end. I took a deep breath, soothing myself as I then began the long approach going to the smaller vertical. It wasn’t big at all, but it was bigger than the crossrail. Shoelaces stayed behind my leg a bit, and we got deep. He dropped his knees a tad, and I bit my lip. I could have gotten him there better than that! I went all the way around, wanting to do the same fence again. I jumped it once more, getting a more acceptable, longer distance.
I landed correct, so I figured I would keep cantering to the bigger vertical. I took a deep breath, staying calm on the approach. I didn’t screw with Shoelace’s mouth this time, which changed our initial jump for the better. We got the perfect distance, which relived me straight away. I eased to a walk, feeling the sweat form under my helmet. I walked over to my mother, who had her hands on her hips as if something was wrong. My reins were looser now, my ride being finished.
“What?” I ask, confused as to why she looked at me like that.
“Well, that’s it?” She then says, narrowing her eyes.
I was slightly taken aback by what she said. I wasn’t sure what she meant by that’s it, because this is what I usually did with nothing more and nothing less. I bit my lip, nodding. I wasn’t sure what to say, so I kept it simple.
I nodded. “Yes, why?”
“Well, some little two foot verticals is nothing.” My mom held out her hands. “And your horse can jump. So no, you aren’t done. Let me help you out.”
Confused, I watched my mom stride into the backyard. She walked straight to the first vertical, bringing it up four holes to my astonishment. Wild-eyed, I watched her walk over to the next and bring that one up two holes. In the end, I was staring at two verticals set at three foot. I was only rebellious enough to jump two foot nine on Shoelaces, and bit my lip. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea having my mom watch me.
“Same thing, start with the little crossrail.” She stepped back to the porch to watch.
I shrugged, picking up a canter as I went straight to the little fence. Shoelaces tugged at me, and I winced. We got a flyer distance, and I landed behind the motion. My reins had gotten a little long, but I tried to regroup as I went down to the looming vertical. Deep breaths, Stella, I told myself. One, two, one, two, I waited for the distance to come up. Of course, I saw nothing. I never saw anything in the first place.
With one last desperate gag, I leaned my shoulder forward going to the vertical on the last two strides. I planted my hands on his neck, unable to find the stomach for this. Sure enough, we got a pop chip and I felt myself fly onto Shoelaces’ neck. Everything after that didn’t seem real.
I seemed to be everywhere at once, and it felt like a dream. Like I could open my eyes and everything could end for just a split second. I saw a flash of grey, the flash of a saddle, then nothing but green. With a thump, I found myself hit the ground very lightly and fall back onto my behind. I narrowed my eyes, leaping up right away to Shoelaces who looked down at me, confused. I rubbed my bottom right away, being the only thing that hit.
“Are you kidding me, Stella?” My mom raised a brow. “He chips, and you fall? I’m going back inside.”
I whip around to face her. “No! Wait! Give me another second!”
She shrugs, and I gather my reins up again. Despite me being small, I put a foot in my stirrup and vaulted onto his back. Right away, I got a canter with a new desire burning in my chest. I gathered my reins. I would regret this tomorrow when I’m tired and sore, but I wanted to prove something.
I pointed Shoelaces down at the fence, and I let him do his thing. I grabbed mane and we took it long, but decent enough. This time, I didn’t come off. I continued going through the corner, breathing heavily now from my strain and concentration. Again, to the next vertical. We were a little deep, but not as bad as before.
I went around and around, catching all of the verticals until finally they were perfect. I slowed to a walk, and by then Shoelaces was sweating and I was nearly choking on my own breath. I rubbed a hand up my helmet, feeling the heat. Even so, it was still cold outside. My mom was still there, grinding her teeth as she watched me in great concentration. I pulled to a halt, waiting to see what she would say or do. There was a great silence for a minute, until finally she smiled and began to laugh, shaking her head.
“You want to go to an A show with that?” She laughs.
The words were painful on me. I looked away, eyelashes fluttering in the breezes. So, that was what she thought of me once I finally showed her the progress I made on my rescue. And I had to fall off the day my mother asks to watch me.
“Guess not.” I shrug.
My mom smiled. Shaking her head, she spoke one more time. “Yeah, well, you still are.” There is a glint of humor in her eye.
A wave of confusion swept over my face. “What? Mother, what are you talking about?”
She waved her hand at me and began to walk inside. “Put him away and we talk!”
I took great note of what she said. Of course, I was going to get Shoelaces out as quickly as I could, but what she said before. ‘You still are’. What did she mean by that? What were we even saying before? In mass confusion, I began to walk Shoelaces back to the barn.
My fingers were itching from curiosity, which led me to do an awful job of caring for Shoelaces and Trudy. Everything was slipping from my hands, and I even forgot to pick Shoelaces’ hooves when I cared for him. I found myself slapping my own wrist, yelling to myself. Do this, Stella! Do that, Stella! I was my own worst enemy at that moment, and I was trembling now. I even allowed myself to get dragged to the pasture where I let Trudy and Shoelaces loose. I tried washing my saddle, but the soap kept falling from my hand. I broke a second sweat trying to do a good job of things, but I simply couldn’t. Finally, after dropping the sponge for the sixth time, I slammed it against the ground and rushed into the house.
I slammed the door behind me, which would let my mother know I had made it into the house. Right away I heard footsteps from upstairs, and gritting my teeth I watched the form of my mom stride down the steps with a yawn and position herself in front of me. Hands positioned behind her back, I spoke first for once.
“What did you mean, mom?” I ask, eyes bearing into hers.
“Sit.” My mom pulled out a chair, and the two of us sat down. “I looked past your scary looking riding and saw a horse with unbelievable splendor and talent. You haven’t seen your little rescue go, but I got to. And my god, he’s three times as much as the horses that win nowadays. His trot? He might as well be floating. And that canter? The biggest I’ve seen.”
I narrowed my eyes. “What are you getting at?”
“You can do A shows.” My mom nodded.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My eyes nearly shot out of my head, so surprised only yesterday it was ‘No, end of story.’ So all it took was my mother to see Shoelaces go. And was he really that great? I knew he felt fantastic under me, but I was completely unaware he had any sort of hunter talent. I shook my head. Nothing even felt real anymore. So I guess I didn’t have to wish on stars anymore.
“But, promise me something.” My mother leaned in close.
“Of course.” I nod, biting my lip.
“Don’t get into all of the crazy drama on the circuit that happens all the time now. Swear on it.” Tension rose. “And I am going to help you so you don’t embarrass the family name.” I blinked.
My cheeks got rosy pink, and my eyelids began to drop. I smiled slightly. I liked my mom’s determination, but I wouldn’t have a problem with that. It would be a stretch teaching myself how to not kill Shoelaces at the bigger fences, but it was possible, right? All of the thoughts began to swim in my head.
“I swear.”
Just then, I swore I would not stop trying. I didn’t know what I was getting at, but why not ponder into something new? If my mom could do it, why could I on Shoelaces? And so it was scheduled, in two weeks time I would trailer Shoelaces down to an A show in Beloit that wasn’t too far off. I was going to be showing in the Children’s Hunters, and pray everything goes according to plan. My mother would school me three times a week on Shoelaces, and I would have to do everything at the show myself if I wanted to do this. Now that all was set, I couldn’t help thinking the same thought.